Existential Thoughts 108: When You Can’t Remember What You Were Thinking

Do you ever feel like you have so much to write but you don’t know when you will have time to write it down?

I feel this all the time! Just the other evening, I conjured up a masterstroke of an article in my head. I went over it, in my head. Promised myself to get a computer or dictate into the phone when the kids were asleep. Forgot about it the next and had no recollection what I was going to write about!

These rare times when I am able to write I have no idea what I want to write about. Shall I discuss my baby who never likes to nap? Or my pelvis that is still having a hard time stay in place? Or that I have no idea what I should with my life besides raise kids? Or wonder when I’ll finally lose the baby weight.

I don’t know if the multi-track thinking is the result of becoming a mother or having fast paced lives. I believe it’s a little of both mixed in with the mother’s guilt that we believe we never do enough for our family, but we are awesome.

On this Royal Wedding Day, We Feel You Princess Diana

On this day when Prince Harry wed Meghan Markle, I feel a sense of loss. The loss of beloved Princess and mom, Diana.

I am no avid fan or follower of the British royal family, but the day we lost Princess Diana, I will never forget. That morning my mom told me she randomly dreamed of Princess Di. She was in distress and something terrible happened.

When we opened the newspaper, we saw the news. The people’s princess was killed in a car crash in Paris, with Dodi. Her friend. Her lover? Her consort? What was she doing in Paris? Was this a high speed chase? A cover up? So many theories flooded the news and our minds, but no matter how we reacted, our princess was gone.

Princess Di reminded me of my mom. Smart and beautiful, caring, loving, but also struggling. Motherhood brought out the complex emotions in Diana; it does to every one of us. In her later years, Diana had the courage to share her problems, marital issues, bulimia, depression. In one quick moment, she was not just the Princess of Wales, she was a struggling mom trying to find her way.

She was one of us.

I always feel a little pain and sorrow when I think of her. Today, as a mother myself, I know she would be proud, and sad, to see her tiny baby all grown up, leaving the nest to begin his own life.

But we know Diana will never leave Prince Harry’s heart, just as she will never leave our hearts.

Diana, Princess of Wales, we love you. We miss you. We thank you for paving the way to openness of motherhood.

Existential Thought 107 – Why Have Toys When You Can…

I am a bit of a toy freak. Looking online to find beautiful and interesting toys that our children will love, but also serve a purpose. Because as much we all love those battery operated toys that push our buttons, I want toys that help our children grow.

Obviously then I spend a lot of time looking at etsy (ooooooooo etsy) and secondhand.

My seven month old is now getting interested into toys that are more function rather than chewy edibles, I figured I could introduce a few stacking toys and more books (on rotation).

Well, she didn’t care.

Like at.all.

Instead she spends time everyday beating up the blinds on jumping up and down on me grunting like a crazy puppy.

Goes to show that you really don’t need toys, just your house to entertain the kids.

Existential Thought 106 – Champagne

They say it’s the bottle that makes the occasion.

If you’re hiding a vintage bottle of champagne, pull it out! Celebrate. Wait until the kiddos go to bed, grab one of your glasses (yes, do keep at least of proper champagne flutes), something tasty, and enjoy!

There is never the perfect night or occasion when you have children. But there are perfect moments. Like the day your kids slept in their own bed the whole night. Or you pulled off a company wide presentation with nerves of steel. Or you pitched to an investor and the dick’ish VCs didn’t faze you.

Bon vivant!

Existential Thought 103 – Showering

Showers before children – 10-30 minutes.
Luxurious. You can shave, wash your hair, scrub yourself into bliss.

Showers after children – What’s that?
You mean that mommy smell of not showering for 3 days isn’t sexy? Hair washing? I think I did that last year!

Existential Thought 101 – Career

Like so many moms, I have been trying to find myself since having children (almost three years ago). What I want to do, how much I want to work, who I want to be, etc. I’ve run my own company the past few years and am now winding it down because I just don’t have time anymore. I love it as a passion but it’s not a money maker.

Every once in a while I get a contract or short job in digital marketing (my bread and butter) and I love it. The hours are flexible and work is in my scope. But then even the hours I work, i feel stressed for time elsewhere with a 2 y o and 6 month old in tow. Even though my toddler is in daycare full time, I still feel like a hot mess.

I’ve had to learned to do the biggest thing last/this year and focus on myself and my family. I’ve learned to love all the insane moments, the beautiful moments, the awful moments. Even when my son is in full meltdown mode, I know that he is only this small once; and I am his guardian to guide him along the way in this hectic life. It sounds like a bunch of juju, but I want to enjoy these moments and in 20 years, look back at the memories. But I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, or if it even matters.

I also learned how easy my body becomes exhausted from postpartum injury (pelvis) and my asthma. I feel there are days it takes me 8 hours to get a load of laundry done, do the dishes, make dinner, clean toys, take care of baby, pick up toddler. And by 9pm I’m asleep.

My husband is amazing and he does a lot at home. I can’t complain there at all. And he’s totally pro me going to work or staying home – it’s my decision.

I look at the moms in my FB group and I’m in awe. They are all role models to be reckoned with. Maybe I just need a hug and need to know it’s okay that I don’t work for a couple years. Or maybe I need to get a move on and start working. I don’t know. Or maybe I just need chocolate. Hahaha.

Thanks for reading. ❤

When You’re So Tired

when you’re so tired, you don’t remember how you got here or where you came from.
when you’re so tired, your wrists are sprained and elbows popped from the bouncing and nursing.
when you’re so tired, you don’t know where your glasses are, but you’re wearing them.
when you’re so tired, you want to close your eyes, but you know you’ll be awaken a few minutes later.
when you’re so tired, you giggle with your little one over anything.
when you’re so tired, you wish someone would wrap you up in a warm, cotton blanket.
when you’re so tired, you play trains one more time.
when you’re so tired, you don’t know what sleep is like anymore.

when you’re so tired, your little one gives you a hug, saying “it’s okay”